How to save a marriage that is falling apart.
The One thing that made the most difference.
It is not an easy thing to admit that your relationship is struggling. And I certainly never expected to have to save a marriage that was falling apart. But I found myself there, back in 2013, in the middle of our third pregnancy. The details are irrelevant and perhaps for another blog, suffice to say we were both severely lacking and desperately lonely and misunderstood. There were many many moments spent on my knees in prayer, completely broken and begging God to “bring him back.” It was the most emotionally challenging time and filled with a deep grief. But, it has brought about a complete change in our marriage and a strengthening and growth that could not have happened otherwise.
If I had to pin point one thing, the one thing that brought about the most change and the most results, was gifted to me by an ever faithful God. The God who is in the business of repairing marriages. He gave me a strength of character and wisdom that I had for the previous 9 years of marriage, completely missed. He gave me the ability to question how I was behaving in every interaction. And this is what He showed me I needed to consider.
In EVERY spoken word and EVERY act, would my husband feel respected?
Am I choosing words that convey my respect?
When I have a criticism, am I conveying it respectfully?
Am I speaking of him behind his back in a way that shows respect?
Are my daily acts/acts of service making him feel respected?
This was groundbreaking for me.
There is an amazing book called “Love and Respect,” by Dr. E. Eggerichs that goes into this in depth. But very very simply, the man’s greatest value is respect and the woman’s greatest need/desire is love. Without love, she reacts toward him without respect. Without respect, he reacts unlovingly towards her. It is a never-ending cycle unless someone is able to break it. This is challenging for women, because we want to know that we are loved, beyond any doubt or condition and we are motivated by this. Whereas men, when given the ultimatum of being alone and unloved vs being disrespected and without regard from those around them, would choose to be unloved. This is all discussed in this fascinating, Godly book that will turn your ideas of marriage on their head, truly.
I had also always assumed and always believed that “respect,” should be earned. I had in mind these conditions and needs that should be met in order to earn and keep my respect. And I believe that I needed to be certain in his love for me. Then I could respect him.
I remember the day he asked me if I respected him, during this period, and I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest, I said no. I could not understand why he got so upset, wha I had spoken truthfully. I was still in the old belief pattern. I cannot even begin to understand how much of a devastating effect that must have had on him as a man, husband and father.
But I was so wrong about respect being earned. He deserved my respect simply for being my husband. It should never have been conditional or based on anything, other than the fact that I had committed my life to him, and God saw him to be worth giving his son’s life for. Who was I to ever question that?
Anyway, this single realisation alone caused a complete turnaround in our marriage. I was able to slowly show him the respect he should have been given from day one. I was able to allow him to become the man that God designed him to be and live out his role in our family. This took time and it was painful. So painful. It also took some major personality changes for me, that I could not have done on my own. But it brought him back to us. Not just physically, but with a completely new mindset that meant he was more devoted, considerate and family oriented than ever before.
We still occasionally talk about “that time.” We see it as a turning point for the better. We can recognise that we both had faults and failings and we made massive changes over time. We consider ourselves to be stronger and so much better for it. We are united and committed and determined and changed. We have seen firsthand how God works in our lives and how He gave us the tools to save our marriage. It is a time that we now consider ourselves to be grateful for, despite the painful memories, (Yes, I still have issues around my worth and there are things that trigger past doubts and emotions for me,)but it marked the second stage of our marriage, one that is forged from our personal battles and triumphs, and dare I say it, that we are proud of. And that is a marriage worth fighting for.
I have included the link for the website of Dr. E Eggerichs “Love and Respect.” It is truly worth a look!