Becoming a Photographer at 37.
BECOMING A PHOTOGRAPHER
Our 4th baby was a surprise! His upcoming arrival completely rocked the plan I had in mind for my life. It was one of the biggest transitions I have faced, I literally felt like my world had been turned upside- down, but I came to terms with having number 4 and I did ok when he was a baby. The older he got and I guess, the more challenging he became, the more I began to question my worth, my ability and whether this was truly God’s purpose for me?
Over and over again, I would question. I remember repeatedly sobbing into my husband’s arms, questioning my life and my value. I felt completely stuck. Unable to move forward, with no idea what to do. I kept asking…..”There must be something more…..I must be good at something…..I must have a purpose other than being a mum and wife…..I want to make a difference.”
He would tell me that I was making a difference and point out all my strengths. He would tell me to “Find a hobby or find something you enjoy.” But I could never think of anything. Or pinpoint anything. Then for our 16th wedding anniversary he gifted me one of the most amazing gifts of my life. He bought me a brand new, “real” camera. And he encouraged me to learn to use it.
Learning to use it was one thing, but then making the transition to actually using it for other people, was an entirely different story. First I had to go to battle with myself. Anyone who knows me, knows of my long term battle with mental illness. And the anxiety reared its ugly head whenever I thought about “doing photography.”
You see, I have a massive case of Imposter Syndrome. It set up house in my brain long ago. I agonised over questions such as “How am I different to anyone else? Why would they pick me over someone more experienced? Can I even pull this off? What if I am just no good at it? What if people don’t relate/connect with or even like what I do?” Not to mention the fact that I am literally intimidated by everyone and worry about their perception of me, constantly. “I can’t run a business, I can barely even talk to people…….”
But, I started off small. I was asked to do a few “shoots,” to gain some experience. The turning point was my eldest son, “dobbing me in,” to his PT who was after photos for her business. This was completely out of my comfort zone. I had no idea if I could pull it off. We are talking, people I don’t know =anxiety. Inside + bad lighting = anxiety. No experience= anxiety. Anyway, I did it. And I worked hard at delivering what I thought was my best photos. Turns out she loved them. And she has encouraged me beyond anything I could ever have expected ever since. It brings me to tears to think about how her genuine kindness and generosity have affected me.
It is still a work in progress. I am still new to this. My anxiety is a daily battle and every single shoot is a fight against my own fears and doubts. “What if this person is the one who hates my work/ criticises me or wants a refund?” I am so open to sharing my struggles, because I believe in honesty and being authentic and maybe, just maybe someone can relate and won’t feel quite as alone.
I am seeing that I can make a difference. I have made 2 people cry when they have received their photos and everyone, so far, has loved them. And even though every shoot is a rollercoaster of emotion, from anxiety and fear, to doubt, to a sense of achievement and gratitude, it is changing me, challenging me and encouraging me to truly “see” all that is around me. Photography encourages me to truly notice things, moments, people and long for more positive influences to surround myself. It has opened up a whole new world.
“One of my earliest Photo sessions , for a Daycare Christmas gathering.”
